Doctor Who? Oh.....Yeah.

Yeah, if you're a BBC fan, you probably darn-near broke your finger clicking on that title.

Sorry.

It's not about Doctor Who. I DO call my dog Tardis, but that's another story for another day.

I'm sorry. Here's a Doctor Who logo just to make up for that.

Courtesy of Google Search.

It's about how I NEVER go to the doctor or have need to go to said doctor. Yeah, I am a shameless avoider of yearly exams.  But golly gee, when I do, I DO.

I haven't been to the doctor since 2008 when I had vertigo from a dual inner ear infection and had to sit on the floor while cooking dinner to not puke from the motion sickness. I am Mom! We cannot show weakness or go to the doctor flippantly. Right?! So me and my awesome bad self haven't been in 4 years.

Until last week.

I was going to write this post last week and entitle it "If You In-Cyst" but as usual.... something else came up.

Aside from the absolutely feminine boob scratching one evening that led to me finding an lump in my left breast and a game of  "Find the Missing Tampon" when I forgot I wasn't wearing one a couple of weeks before,  I discovered a pea-sized knot on my cervix -- both of which are alright, just a fibroid cyst and scar tissue (Heh, see my hilarity in previous blog title! AH!!! I kill me!) --No worries, thank all that's holy.

I now have pneumonia.

You'd think me dyeing my hair black like Wonder Woman (Yes, the red has been curb-kicked for a little bit.) I could use my super awesome super powers to avoid any sickness or worry.

Well, so far it hasn't.

I've never had pneumonia before.

I've never had a steroid shot before.

I've never had a shot in my butt before. That I can remember.

I've never been on Prednisone before.

I've never impressed JD by my being on 5 days of steroids before.

It's not the most fun I've had, but it has kept me distracted from my 30th birthday coming on Monday.

Nothing like the fear of having the boobs that never really came being removed along with all the other pieces that make me a girl, plus the fear of not being able to wake up or breathe when you finally do go to sleep.

Thankfully, I get to keep my gurl junk, leaving these boobs to die another day, and hopefully tonight, breathe.

I need some Chuck Norris mojo, STAT!

Although, it does help that Mo very somberly, and in super-robot-monotones says, "God bless you" when I cough until I pee my pants.  It does make me feel loved and cared for. And makes me giggle. Which when your lungs feel hairy-itchy inside, laughing is not good.

And I'm tired of stinking. I have sick stench. It's gross.

And I'm a gorgeous shade of pale clamminess with just a hint of buttery tones this afternoon. There have been no pictures. There will be no pictures. Thou shalt not have pictures.

And I promise to post more. I been a baaaaad, baaaaaad blogger.

I sowwy.

I do have ideas.

And a new camera.

And an idea for vlogging. Ooooooooooh! Well, not really an "idea", but more of a "thought" that I would record myself in my hillbilly twang talking about random things. Because that's what this blog needs, right. Music needs more cowbell, blogs need more vlogs. Yepper doodles.

So. There's my nice, happy, little story for you lately. Things are looking up. Up is always good. Up is also a good movie which I loaned to someone that I highly doubt I will get returned. Did I mention I'm on a lot of medicine and not a lot of sleep? It tends to make me jittery and jumpy and rather random.... Look! Something shiny! And I really like shoes, and Pinterest, and chocolate.

Oh. Sorry. Hugs to everyone! Don't worry, they're not contagious. I don't think. I just wouldn't lick your computer screen  or phone and you should be okay.

Don't Chuck With Me

I have an admission to make.

I.Freakin. LOVE. Chuck Norris jokes.

Sad, yet true.

They are SO dumb they make me laugh. A lot. Probably too much. And even 24 hours after I heard or read one.

Easily amused, am I.

Sorry, Yoda humor. And we're not even talking about Yoda!

Anyways, back to Chuck.

Pinterest is like the mecca of Chuck jokes.

It wouldn't be so great if he was all bigheaded about it.

I love the fact that he's humble.

So, I have decided..... my goal for 2012 will be to meet Chuck Norris, and introduce him to my offspring. Oh, and I will SO freakin blog about it.

And when someone wants to be obnoxious, I will always be able to trump it with, "So, I met Chuck Norris."

Bring that crap on!

Chuck, I need to meet you. It is a necessity.

Just Mail My Mother of the Year Award to Me

While working full time and fitting school in when I'm home, it makes for Mom's patience to become... how do we say.... microscopic.

So when Goob decided to have a 5-alarm meltdown over the months of the year, I, of course, handled it beautifully.

**cue fancy harp music, cueing a zip back in time**

Goob: Darling Mother, I hate to trouble you, but I am having trouble remembering some of the months of the year.

Me: **dancing around on my 5" heels that all great mothers and style mavens wear 24/7** Why, secondary fruit of my loins, I am so sorry to hear this. Let Mother set aside this 5 course meal that she has created from scratch in the past 30 minutes she has been home and assist you with this quandary.

G: Splendid! I knew that you would help me understand this predicament, because the universe knows that you are the most motherly, meek, and perfect mother that was ever made, and I am so happy that you are mine.

**fairy dust drops sentimentally from the ceiling as we embrace in perfection, enough to make an episode of The Waltons jealous**

M: It's quite simple, precious one. There is a little song that helps me to remember them. When one learns something to music, it makes things so much easier to recollect when needed.

**sings song**

**G's eyes sparkle with the magic of the moment and he magically repeats everything that he has just learned, written permanently on his brain**

~~The End.~~

Okay... so maybe it didn't quite go like that.

Maybe it went more like this:

Mom: Dude, why are you having problems with knowing the months of the year? It's easy! There's even a song for it!

Goob: **tears up immediately** But... but... I can't learn a song!

M: Why? It makes it so much easier when you know a song.

G: But I caaaaaaannnnnnnnn't! ***cries***

M: Why?

G: Because!!

M: Why?

G: Because it's EMBARRASSING!!

M: Why is a song embarrassing? **rolling eyes**

G: Because!

M: Because why? **taps foot impatiently**

G: BECAUSE!

M: **Growls**

G: BECAUSE IT'S SINGING!!!! AND IT'S EMBARRASSING BECAUSE IT'S SINGING IN PUBLIC!!!! **cries more**

M: **annoyed sigh** Dude, it's just in front of me. I'm not "public." You don't have to sing it, just punch when you say the different words like Tae-Bo or something. It can be fun.

G: But it IS! And it's EMBARRASSING!!!

**Hit repeat and proceed on the same track for about 10 minutes**

M: **yells in the Mother Wrath of God voice** OKAY! You think that's embarrassing... you think THAT'S embarrassing?! Let me tell you about embarrassing.... When YOU were born, I had to have 6 people I didn't even KNOW look at my PRIVATES! Now, kid, which is more embarrassing... you singing a little song with me or that?!?!

G: **defeated sigh** Yours.

M: You bet. Now get to singing.

It's HERE!!!

Because it's the most wonderful time of the year.

And I love books.

And I love my friend.

And it's got my first song I ever wrote in it. COPYWRITTEN in MY NAME! (But I'm not excited or anything.)

And it would be a great Christmas present for your family or friends with e-readers.

Or yourself, if you have an e-reader.

Or your cat.

Or dog.

But if your cat and dog have e-readers, I think that you have too much money and might spoil your animals too much.

And it's affordable ($4.99).

And because I'm so dadgum proud of my friend I can't stand it.

I'd like you all to check her book out. And if you do reviews on Amazon or Goodreads, throw one out there too.

That way when she's all big and famous, you can say you knew her back then.

Well...I will have known her back then.

And since I've known her since I was 10, I will still tell her,

"Seriously? Do I need to call you Ms. Lohan?"

"Yeah.... sure! I'd totally do that if I were you.... if I wanted to look like a dumba$$."

"Don't you even think about pulling a Kanye West at that writer's conference. No, she's Nora Roberts for Pete's sake! NORA ROBERTS!" (We both love NR, btw.)

You know, all those things that good friends do. I won't let her head get big.

Don't worry. I'll get you autographs. I promise.

I'm Still Alive

Can you believe the holidays are here already?! WHEN did this happen? Time, you are an evil fiend. Slow the heck down!

My heathens are growing too quickly. Mo and Goob just had their birthdays in October. How DARE they turn 11 and 9? This is not allowed. This means Smee will be 6 in February. Which means I have to start working now on how to abolish this. 6 isn't a baby anymore. 6 means some stinky grown kid. 

We just got over The Crud. I actually missed work. 2 days of work. Ugh. I was scared it was turning into pneumonia, but I started coughing up lungs, old couches, hairballs, maybe a gnome or two, and I feel lots better. JD had it and he sounded awful. Goob had it, too, and slept for 10+ hours on Sunday. I had to sneak around to make sure he was still breathing, but he lives. And felt fantastic the next day. Good thing kids have that amazing spring-back mechanism. 

Turkey Day is in a couple of days, which means we'll head up, overindulge on dead bird, baked goods, and Mom's Bring a Tear to the Eye dressing. Then, none of my pants will fit, I'll be looking for tents on sale, and contemplating colonics.

And since it's that thankful time of year, here's what I'm thankful for:

I am thankful that I'm the proud mother of a shaman.

I am thankful that I am also the mother of a Maori warrior.

Thankful that nobody in this house looks alike.

Thankful for this goober.... and the boy, too.

And thankful that we're not goofy.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!!! Get your gobble on! 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

As always, life goes a million miles an hour, so to catch you guys up, I'm doing another bulleted post.

• Roller derby is no more. No time, no extra money, no babysitting... but no more sore butt either. So it evens out.
• JD got a job in the evenings. :) And after my hunting deer in the van, we need all the extra monies we can get.
• We're having a deadly appliance plague or something... dryer, dishwasher, coffeepot... dead. I miss the heck out of my dishwasher. The boys do too. Muhahahahhaha. I still have a percolator, so I'm good with coffee. And people haven't died.... yet. 
• Waiting on the van to be fixed. Hopefully next week. Please, please, please God!
• Uncle O and Lady A got married yesterday.
• Waiting on baby Andi (my niece!!!!!!!EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!) to finish baking and arrive in December. 
• Oscar is growing like crazy!!! 3 months old now!
• Mo is out growing me. :(
• Goob is not getting married because it's "too embarrassing."
• Smee is a gas factory and teller off of witchy wedding planners. 
• I accidentally lost weight! 
• I need to accidentally lose some more!
• I have to come up with cheap Christmas ideas for decor and presents.
• I was told someone couldn't pay their $1500 phone bill because their cat died. 
• I went to a Ladies Luncheon and didn't kill anyone. ( I need extra points in Heaven over that one... justsayin.)
• I'm thinking about starting a YouTube channel for my music. Not really sure how to do it, but it's something I'm tossing around. 
• There were 2 earthquakes felt in Texas yesterday (Nov. 5th). I think it was the shock that Uncle O got married. And I didn't feel either of them. Now, PW did, I think. Pretty sure the epicenter was around Okie City, OK. Hope she's okay.
• JD got to meet my boss and several folks from my team at work. And now he knows I'm not the only one who talks about work all.the.time. It might have saved our marriage, lol. 
• My IRL friend Carrie is publishing an e-book which is a bad-A novel about a futuristic bounty hunter chick-- reminds me of JD Robb's In Death series. It should be coming out soon and I will be letting you know when and where to get it. I've already read it and demanded her to start the other one. And she is because I'm mean like that. "I love you, but I will cut you, ho." There is also a song in the book written by yours truly. I'm working on recording it for you folks. Mark that down on your "Coming Soon" list. 
• Mo and Goob had birthdays in October and they need to stop growing. It's seriously getting on my nerves. How DARE they be 11 and 9!!!! I know it is just to piss me off. 
• And I have found a channel on YouTube which makes me pee in my pants laugh, rewind, and do it again. (No wonder I have 5 tons of laundry to do!) They do spoofs of political candidate speeches and songs. This one, this one, and this one make me LOL over and over again. 
• OMG... I have found Pinterest. And my life is over because I CAN'T get out of my office chair! It is picture crack. Between FB and Pinterest, I am just going to die at my desk. 
• I miss you guys. 
• I need to post more.
• I think about my blog buddies a lot.
• I haven't forgotten about you.
• I just don't think a lot of my stuff is interesting enough to blog about. 
• But I do stalk you still... with all my heart. 
• And I was just contacted by the Bullet Police... they said I have used my quota. 
• Happy Week. :) lovelovelovelovelove.

Do You Hear What I Hear? -- My Ghost Story

So this morning while I was reading blogs on my iPad in the bathroom... relaxing, I came across Scary Mommy's Ghost Story post. Which made me think of my own ghost story. So, I thought I'd share it with you to celebrate Halloween.

I have always been interested in the unexplainable, the creepy, the afterlife, if people really are still hanging around us in another dimension of some sort. I actually would love to ghost hunt, record EVPs (which freak the CRAP out of me!), and take pictures of places that make you go Hmmmm.

My only problem: I have married the most cynical man in the world. He would die of embarrassment that his wife is a do-do and believes in something you can't see.

But... moving on... let's go back about ...omg... 15 years ago. (You totally know you're getting old when you say things like that.)

I am 15 or 16 years old, bespectacled, boy-crazy, and spending the night with my BFF, Carrie. Honest to goodness, I can't tell you what time of year it was, but I can tell you everything that went on that particular night.

Being teenaged girls, we were staying up late, enjoying each other's company. We had been friends for about 6 years at that time, very close, the kind that have a psychic bond. You know, when you think about them, they suddenly call/email/text you? We still do that. It's cool, I love it. Well, Carrie had moved away and we didn't see each other nearly as often as we once had, so when we actually got to see each other, who the heck needs sleep?! It's an all-night talk-fest.

It was about 1 in the morning or so... We were playing Speed (the card game) for, shoot, I don't know... possibly the 25th time. The kitten, Dimitri, was on the bed with us, occasionally swatting the pile of cards, being a typical kitten. He gave up, curled up to the side of the bed, bathed himself, and cat-napped. For no reason at all, this cat jumped off the bed and dove under it. We kind of chuckled thinking he was a goofy thing, and kept on with this card game. Then... IT happened.

There was this sound. 

Like something I have never heard ever before or since. An indescribable sound. Like something layer upon layer, a multi-dimensional sound. The only thing I can compare it to would be a panther screaming, dinosaur roar, stacked on top of those movie demon voices. It had both high and low, covering untold octaves. And if that wasn't creepy enough... it moved. It moved around the circumference of the room, and went behind me and **shudders** moved my hair. Like a breeze that lifted my freaking hair off of my neck.

15 years ago and I still get the creeps thinking about it. I still get goose-bumps.

And this sound was booming. Loud enough I wanted to cover my ears, but I was in such shock I couldn't move. It seemed like it went on for eons, but it could only have been seconds. The only thing I could do was flick my eyes to Carrie and ask her, "Did you hear that?" Praying inside, Please, oh please, have heard that.

She looked at me, and said one small word, "Yes."

Which shot fresh cold chills through my body.

So, then we're trying to think logically about it.  

(Yes, JD, I DO try to use logic occasionally.)

Could it have been someone outside in town? No. That didn't explain the cat leaving and an actual breeze in the room.

Remember those Yak-Bak recorders? Carrie had one. And Carrie had 2 younger brothers who could have recorded something creepy on it "to scare the girls." It was on the floor where the cat had been. Well, maybe he jumped on it when he ran off the bed. I picked it up, begging that to be the answer. I pressed every button on that thing several times. There was nothing saved on it. Static.

That, was it for me, my friends. I was ready to get the HECK out of that room. We ran in the bathroom, the room next door to think and catch our breath. We cowboyed up, decided to go back in there, play some Christian music and read the Bible.


We each took deep breaths, and went back. The cards we were playing with were all over that room. Like someone threw them, tucked them places, and just...everywhere. I knew for a fact those cards had been placed on the dresser when we left. And there was this "feel" in the room. Like your skin was coated in sunscreen and couldn't breathe. Oppressive. I think we both demanded whatever it was to leave in the name of Jesus. I know we opened the Bible and starting playing Christian music and it started fading away, the feeling, the just yuckiness that was in that room. I know my skin felt like there was something coating every inch of it and I was scared enough my eyes were watering.

We asked Carrie's mom and brothers, the next morning, if they had heard anything the night before. No one heard a thing. It was a trailer house and there wasn't ANY way that they wouldn't have. I don't think 2 people can be crazy at the same time, and experience the same thing at the same times in their heads. All I know is I KNEW there was something there and if something like that ever happens again, I will be asking questions to whatever is in the room. I was a kid then, now I am a mom, and don't you even think about coming in my house and messing with mine. I will send you on your merry -- or scary-- way.

That story still freaks me out. It's one of those things etched in my memory. I think there is something more, something unseen. Whether its ghosts of ones passed, demonic forces, I don't know, but there is something out there sensed, felt, and I just wonder if or when it will happen again....